Heaven, Inc.

Act 1 — Deal

Scene 1 — Negotiations

Geoff’s office. It is a blend of a mad scientist’s laboratory and a cabinet of curiosities. Anatomical models, ancient artefacts, and worn books are interspersed with futuristic gadgets and modern art. There is even a Warhol of Geoff himself somewhere in the chaotic arrangement of objects.

We see many monitors mounted on the back wall. Each screen shows current events from around the world: continents drifting apart, countries covered by snow, cities in gridlock during rush hour, communities gathering for a local celebration, some civilians pushing prams and others walking their dogs in the park. These images alternate with weather forecasts, news reports, and stock quotes. A few screens are partially covered with Post-it notes.

Amid these screens is a large, stained blackboard onto which schematic drawings as well as unintelligible equations have been scribbled. It is impossible to discern a particular direction of writing or reasoning as some of the chalky thoughts overlap. Arrows point from the algebraic alphabet soup to the illustrations, probably in support of their validity but we cannot be sure.

In the far left corner, Geoff is performing a chemistry experiment. A motley bundle of cables runs from the laboratory equipment to a nearby computer that flashes intermittently. Geoff watches the experiment closely with a measuring instrument of sorts in one hand. In the other he holds a pencil with which he occasionally takes notes in a large, black notebook, which he balances between his lower abdomen and the table. Periodically he briefly diverts his attention to the screens on the wall.

After a while he wheels over on his lab stool to the blackboard to wipe out an exponent in a formula with his lab coat. He scrawls another value and returns to the experiment.

LUCY enters.

LUCY (looking around) Hey there. So. This is your lab—

GEOFF (looking at a screen behind Lucy) Rats!

LUCY (startled) What?

GEOFF They’re not supposed to do that! Not yet at least. To Lucy Hi! Yes. No. I mean, it is actually my control room.

LUCY (to herself) Out-of-control room seems more appropriate, if you ask me.

Geoff continues with the experiment while Lucy remains standing in the doorway.

GEOFF (pointing in the general direction of a coffee table and two chairs that have seen better days) Please, make yourself comfortable. I shan’t be a minute.

As Lucy disappears in the chair and waits for Geoff to finish whatever he is doing, she leans forward and wipes her finger along the edge of the coffee table. Rather unsurprised she looks at the dust on her finger. She rubs it off and peruses the assortment of cupcakes, scones, crumpets, éclairs, petits fours and Belgian chocolates on a multi-tiered cake stand. As she glances past this scrumptious centrepiece, she notices the ramshackle rug.

LUCY You know, this rug could use a successor. What’s with all the holes? Mutant moths?

GEOFF I know. It’s these blasted rockets they keep firing every time they launch a new piece of debris, or (sarcastically) satellites as they prefer to call them. Whenever we are overhead they punch holes in my carpets. I’ve been meaning to replace them, but I haven’t got round to it.

LUCY We all have our problems.

A kitchen timer goes off in the next room. Geoff swirls around, closes the notebook and gets up.

GEOFF I’ll be back in a jiffy.

Geoff exits through a door on the left. He reappears shortly afterwards with a soufflé in his hands and a toque blanche on his head. He walks towards Lucy and takes the remaining seat.

LUCY Shall we?

GEOFF By all means. Say, would you mind awfully if I partook of these delectable nibbly bits while we conversed?

LUCY Sin is in, so gobble away.

GEOFF (devours a pastry with gusto.) Splendid! You should have some. Go ahead, a few extra pounds around the waist won’t hurt.

LUCY No thanks, I’ve not come up here to fatten up for the slaughter. In fact—Could you remove the (pointing to the chef’s hat) whatchamacallit from your head? I feel like I’m talking to a bearded wedding cake. (Geoff obliges.) Thanks. As I was saying, I’ve come to make your company leaner. Trim the excess fat from the corporate carcass.

GEOFF (disgusted) Ugh! Did you have to say that while I was masticating? Now you’ve put me off my comestibles.

LUCY Perhaps now that your single brain cell is not busy processing food I can have your full attention. I’d like us to focus on the task at hand.

GEOFF (pouting huffily) You interrupted my sugar rush.

LUCY Sure did. Now, let’s get down to business.

GEOFF (slightly less petulant but still prickly) OK.

LUCY Good. Before we talk about the details of our deal, I want to get your perspective on a few matters. For instance, why do you think your business is faltering? It’s important for me to understand your needs and also to scope the project. What, in your opinion, are the main factors contributing to the steady decrease in revenue? And which departments do not perform in accordance with your expectations?

GEOFF If I knew the answers to those questions I would not need your help, would I? You sound just like my psychiatrist.

LUCY Can’t say I’m too surprised to hear you have a shrink.

GEOFF I have tried almost everything, albeit to no avail. I even took my teddy bear, Señor Snuckles, to see an acupuncturist, but that hocus-pocus reminded me of black magic, so we scarpered as soon as Señor Snuckles regained control of his legs. His limbs were all pins and needles. Horrid. Truly horrid I tell you. You see, Lucy, the world is falling to pieces, and we need to glue it back together.

LUCY If you try and glue it while it’s still falling you might cut yourself. Better wait until it’s shattered, then pick up the pieces, and throw them in the bin. Simple, quick, and painful.

GEOFF Good heavens, no! Why all the suffering?

LUCY Hell, why not? What makes humans so damn special that they should be beyond pain? It’s purely business.

GEOFF And that is exactly why I require your keen business eye to avert a corporate catastrophe. I no longer possess the prowess to run a successful syndicate.

LUCY Great! Now that the alliteration train has left the station, let’s deal. Tell me, what’s in it for me?

GEOFF Before we continue with the minutiae I must suspend the negotiations. I do have to insist that you have some cake as a display of your willingness to cooperate. No slice, no dice, I always say.

LUCY (reluctantly capitulating to his request) Fine. (She extracts the smallest delicacy with a rusty pair of tongs onto a porcelain plate and leaves the plate on the table.) Why should I waive my right to the schadenfreude that has faithfully accompanied many a business cycle?

GEOFF Well, I know for a fact that you enjoy a challenge, and lately you have not been challenged thanks to the evident absence of my business acumen and the fact that you have disgraced my fine establishment with your constant meddling.

LUCY But it is my business to ruin yours. Such is the nature of my métier. And, if by meddling you mean my ongoing investment in sales and marketing, then you only need look in the mirror: you failed to follow suit. Leaders lead, followers follow, and the rest simply get crushed in the stampede.

GEOFF Quite. Returning to your original question, I could offer you a percentage of shares in all my new enterprises?

LUCY Sorry, not interested.

GEOFF Or I could allow you free rein in all worldly affairs. Once you have ensured that there is sufficient competition you can let your creativity go awolnuts. After all, without contraries is no progression. Competition fuels progress, and progress opens the doors to new markets. If the pie gets bigger, everyone can have a larger share.

LUCY (sampling a pastry) My appetite grows proportionally to the size of the pie.

GEOFF Ah, a woman after my own heart. I too become more esurient the more food I espy.

LUCY Esurient?! From what remote part of the linguistic desert did you dig up that fossil of a thesaurus? (Pauses.) Anyway, what else you got?

GEOFF (hesitant) I could call off the eschatologists.

LUCY You mean an armistice?

GEOFF But that would be my ultimate offer though. Take it or leave it, as I believe the expression is.

LUCY A truce?

GEOFF I do believe that is one of a number of accepted synonyms for the term, yes.

LUCY But why?

GEOFF Desperate times call for desperate measures, my dear. I know that you are aware that when the time comes you shall be defeated irrespective of your efforts, as gruesome and gory as they may be. You know as well as I do that ours is a rigged game because I invented it. You may currently have the upper hand, as you have had for the past—Oh, I don’t know how long exactly but something in the vicinity of forever—but when the chips are down, I shall be the victor of our little tiff. To be honest, I have not been enjoying myself lately. It’s been a rough couple of millennia, and what would really toot my trombone is a decent confrontation between equals. What do you say?

LUCY You really want us both to go head-to-head in a fair competition?

GEOFF Would that not be satisfactory to you?

LUCY Holy shit!

GEOFF Do not sanctify stool, Lucy. It’s very unbecoming of a professional of your stature.

LUCY (composes herself after her momentary lapse of sangfroid.) I think I can agree to those terms.

GEOFF Good. Let’s resume after a short break then. I have to check up on something anyway.