Over(net)worked

Act 1 — The SHACK

Scene 1 — Surprise

A young couple’s apartment. A living room with all the modern necessities and a few plants, a basic kitchen, and a cosy bedroom. The couple arrives with JENNY holding one hand in front of her eyes in anticipation of MATT’s surprise. Through the windows of the apartment we see the daylight fading.

MATT We’re nearly there. Careful now. Mind the step.

JENNY Give me your hand, I don’t know where I’m going.

MATT Here. Oh, you’ll love what I’ve done with the place.

JENNY I’m so curious.

MATT No peeking. Excited?

JENNY Yesss.

MATT That’s it. Here we are. (Opens the door) Now. Open your eyes.

JENNY lowers her arms and opens her eyes. She looks around rather unimpressed.

MATT Well, what do you think?

JENNY Erm. It’s exactly the same as before, isn’t it?

MATT Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. It isn’t. Everything’s changed.

JENNY I do know what the place looked like and I can see that nothing’s changed. QED.

MATT On the surface, you’re right. Watch. (Clears his throat.) Hello, Sarah.

JENNY Who?

SARAH Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?

JENNY What the hell—?!

MATT Sarah, this is my girlfriend, Jenny.

SARAH I am pleased to meet you. I am here to assist you and Matt in any way I can. Is there anything I can do for you?

MATT So. What do you think?

JENNY I’m speechless. This is how you spend your afternoon off, is it?

MATT Like it?

JENNY No, I do not like it. I ask you to give the flat a quick run-down with a duster and clean it with a bucket and a mop before we leave for my sister’s tomorrow. Instead, you go and install SkyNet. Unbelievable.

MATT I thought you’d be pleased. The place now basically runs itself. Look. I installed sensors in almost every electronic device. From my phone (grabbing his phone from his pocket) I can see and control all parameters of the house at all times. Even when we’re at your sister’s. Cool, right?

JENNY Nuts. That’s what it is. That’s what you are: nuts. No. D’you know what? Look there, an army of squirrels is marching towards you. You must’ve cornered the market for nuts.

MATT I only did it for you.

JENNY For me? When did I ever ask for (pointing randomly into the room) this? Does the house clean itself?

MATT No.

JENNY Does it go to the office for me?

MATT Obviously not.

JENNY Does it cook dinner?

MATT No. But it can—

JENNY So how does all this bleeping gadgetry help me in any way? Forget it. I need some tea.

JENNY removes her coat and goes into the kitchen to fill the kettle. She reaches for a tea bag from the cupboard.

SARAH She does not seem too pleased with your efforts, sir.

MATT I know. I did not expect her reaction, to be quite—

JENNY (shouting from the kitchen) Hey, Matt, come here for a sec. The damned kettle won’t boil.

MATT That’s funny. (Checking an app on his phone.) It should work: its stats are all green.

JENNY I don’t give a damn whether its stats are green, orange, or purple. This machine doesn’t work anymore.

SARAH Madam, you have indicated that you only desire one cup of tea.

JENNY Madam?

SARAH I apologize. May I call you Jenny then?

JENNY What?! Yeah, fine. Whatever. What about my tea?

SARAH Well, you see, Jenny, the amount of water you poured in is for 1.4 cups. Boiling that amount would create both wasted electricity, water, and time. I am more than happy to indicate the proper amount, so that you can enjoy your tea as soon as possible.

JENNY As soon as possible? I would have been sipping my tea if it wasn’t for this nonsense.

SARAH I am terribly sorry, but Matt has programmed me to conserve energy. I do understand your current bewilderment at the novelty of the situation, so I shall make an exception and allow you to boil more than you really need.

JENNY ‘Allow me to boil more than I really need.’ Well, well. That’s very nice of you to allow me to use my own stinking kettle.

MATT It’s my fault actually. I might have been a bit too conservative with the settings for permitted energy consumption.

JENNY You’re right, it is your fault, but honestly, bugger off with your stupid settings, Matt. Who asked the kettle for its bloody opinion?! (Stands in the kitchen, arms crossed, shaking her head in disbelief.)

SARAH Jenny, the kettle will be done in 5 seconds, 4 seconds, 3 seconds, . . .

JENNY Great. A countdown for the kettle.

MATT It makes life easier.

JENNY Oh, really?! I have ears, you know. (Lifting the kettle demonstratively) And we have lift-off.

MATT I thought—

JENNY Leave it. I’ll have my tea and then I’m off to bed. And if you or any of your toys annoy me again tonight, I swear, you’ll find them all on a heap below the living room window three floors down.

Scene 2 — A bit of a Temperature

The morning sun crawls into the apartment through the slits in the curtains, as JENNY shuffles barefoot out of the bedroom in her pyjamas and rubs her hands across her arms.

JENNY Man, it’s cold in here.

MATT (from the bedroom) What’s that?

JENNY I said it’s cold. It’s been freezing all night.

MATT (holding his phone out of the bedroom door towards JENNY) According to this chart, the temperature never dropped below 17.8°C. On average, it’s been 18.4°C all night. That is not cold.

JENNY I don’t care what your new girlfriend says, it feels cold. You could’ve bought me a dressing gown and a pair of fluffy slippers for my birthday when I asked you to, then you would not have to listen to my whining about the cold every morning. Instead you go and buy a bunch of (trying to find the right expression) things for these other things.

MATT Yeah, but look here, love (forcing the display onto JENNY).

JENNY Take your hand and take your phone out of my face. This instant. We don’t have time for this. We have to get ready for the drive.

MATT (to himself) Oh, wow, I can export this chart as a vector graphic. How cool is that?!

JENNY (to herself) As cool as 17.8 degrees.

MATT Hang on, I’m sending you this graph, so you can see for yourself.

JENNY Great, I’ll have it framed immediately. (Walking into the kitchen) Are you coming?

MATT Did you say something?

JENNY (to herself) The cooker is capable of tracking my every calorie but he can’t manage to install a pair of hearing aids into those selectively deaf ears of his. Typical. (Loudly) Are you coming or what?

SARAH Good morning, Jenny.

JENNY (startled) For fuck’s—.

SARAH I am terribly sorry. I did not mean to startle you.

JENNY Well you did.

SARAH My apologies.

JENNY It’s all right. You are not the moron who brought you into our midst.

SARAH I beg your pardon?

JENNY Never mind.

MATT (running in from the bedroom in his boxer shorts) Did something happen? Are you all right?

JENNY I’m fine. Now get your arse in gear.

SARAH Good morning, sir.

MATT Morning, Sarah.

JENNY Oh, she gets a ‘morning’ and I get squat.

MATT Sorry. (Kisses her on the cheek.) Mornin’, sexy.

JENNY Oh, go on then. (Slaps him lovingly on his buttocks.) I’ll make us some brekkers while you mow those stubbles of yours. (Soothing her cheek with her hand) Want tea or espresso?

MATT Tea.

JENNY Really?

MATT I have not yet connected the espresso machine to the grid, so it won’t work yet.

JENNY (grumbles while MATT leaves the kitchen. She looks up to wherever Sarah may be located.) Are you going to permit me to boil some water today?

SARAH You can do anything you like, Jenny.

JENNY Really? Doesn’t look that way from where I’m standing.

SARAH Have we perhaps got off on the wrong foot?

JENNY You have feet?

SARAH Very droll. Obviously not. I am made of circuits. What I attempted to say is that I would like us to be friends.

JENNY Friends. That’s all I need: be friends with – what is it you are?

SARAH A smart home automation and control kit.

JENNY Right. Smart Home Automation and Control Kit. SHACK. Just what a girl dreams of.

SARAH If there is anything I can do, just let me know. I’ll be on standby.

MATT enters the kitchen in a bespoke suit.

JENNY (dipping a tea bag in a mug) Ready? I’ll pop into the shower and then we’ll leave before the rush. (Turning around with the mug) Here. (Scanning him from top to bottom and back again) Nice. No need to be so formal, it’s only my sister’s.

MATT (Takes the mug) Cheers. (Blows on the tea while staring back at JENNY.)

JENNY What are you staring at?

MATT Nothing.

JENNY Anyway, I’ll go and take a shower now. (Walking into the bathroom) Leave some tea for me, OK?

MATT pops in two slices of toast and sips his tea. As he waits for the toaster to release the bread, he is tinkering with his phone. After a little while. JENNY appears in a bathrobe and a towel wrapped around her head.

JENNY Matt—

MATT (keeping his attention fixed on his phone) Mmm.

JENNY Why do we have a new toilet?

MATT We don’t. Why do you ask?

JENNY It’s different.

MATT Of course it’s different.

JENNY (sarcastically) Of course.

MATT I only installed a smart seat. The bowl is still the same.

JENNY What’s so smart about the toilet seat?

MATT Did you see the numbers on the side?

JENNY I guess.

MATT Well, they show you how much weight you have lost.

JENNY I’m not trying to lose weight. Are you saying I’m fat?

MATT (looking up from his phone) What?! No, of course not, babe. What makes you think that?

JENNY You said that the toilet seat measures my weight loss.

MATT Oh, no, you misunderstood. It measures the difference between before and after.

JENNY Before and after what?

MATT Erm, you know, …

JENNY Eeew. That is disgusting. Why would I want to know how much I—dropped off.

MATT The seat also has a built-in spectrometer, so it can tell you what you ate and—

JENNY I bloody well know what I ate. I don’t need the toilet to analyse my ex-belongings. Yuck!

MATT I think it’s pretty cool. This model only arrived three weeks ago, so we’re among the first in the country to have it.

JENNY Well, well, what an honour!

MATT (without listening) I really wanted the version that will be launched next week in the US, but that won’t arrive on our shores for another three or four months. They first want to see the initial response.

JENNY Well, obviously.

MATT Our model only has a volatile memory storage device.

JENNY Who could resist a toilet with a volatile memory storage device!

MATT It means that this one loses the information whenever it is reset or in case of a power outage.

JENNY So, you want a historical record of your ‘achievements’, your high scores, so to speak? Why, Matt, why?!

MATT It’s to monitor our vital statistics.

JENNY I’m healthy, thank you. I don’t need a laser beam aimed at my poop to measure whether it’s perfectly level or aligned with my zodiac sign. Does it also share an image of your latest achievement with your friends?

MATT Don’t be ridiculous. Here, (showing his phone) I have this app that’s linked to my wrist band. It shows my heart rate, blood pressure, and my daily activities and sleep statistics.

JENNY What do you need that for? You’re lights out within ten seconds of hitting the pillow.

MATT For instance, last night I turned seven times in my sleep, and the sound level in the bedroom stayed around 46 decibels.

JENNY Give me that (grabbing his phone). Well, that’s a lie. You snore like a 747 at take-off.

MATT See, (taking his phone back) I now have proof that’s not true!

JENNY When your hand is under the pillow the sound is muffled, so, yes, the sound level that is measured is lower. It doesn’t mean that you don’t sound like a chainsaw. (She walks into the bedroom.) By the way, have you seen my silk blouse? You know, the turquoise one.

MATT I think it’s in the living room.

JENNY In the living room?

MATT I upgraded it.

JENNY (calmly) You upgraded it?! (Running to the living room) Oh shit! What did you do?

MATT I added a few smart fibres.

JENNY (picking up the blouse) Oh no, no, no…

MATT The fibres are high-quality organic transistors.

JENNY This is silk. One of the finest and most delicate textiles around. You have ruined my favourite blouse.

MATT You can barely see it. Anyway, it’s an improvement. The smart fibres send data to my phone about usage, wear, and when the fabric gets too dirty and needs to go into the laundry. You just pick a date, and the laundry machine will schedule it when it’s most convenient.

JENNY a) My silk blouse goes to the dry cleaner’s, not into our laundry machine. And b) I drop it off when it’s convenient for me, not the machine.

MATT It checks what’s in the basket and combines the clothes based on fabric, colour, when the clothes are needed again, and when it’s most opportune to wash based on the electricity price and the expected overall load of the power grid. We can even plug in our own custom price prediction model.

JENNY Un-fucking-believable. You ruin my favourite blouse and now you defend yourself with pluggable prediction nonsense. As if I’d care about that! Seriously, an apology is in order.

MATT I’m sorry you feel that way.

JENNY Oh my God! You’re joking, right? See this? (She uses her hand as a faux phone) I’m pressing the ‘Like whatever’ button because I’ve had it with this smart shit.

JENNY sips from Matts’s mug and goes back to the bedroom to get dressed. She comes back and leans against the doorpost with her arms crossed, gazing suspiciously at MATT because he has not moved an inch.

JENNY Oh no. Don’t tell me you’re not coming. Damn it, Matt! You promised you’d come along. Fiona’d love to see you again, you know that.

MATT I really want to have the flat fully connected and operational when you return.

JENNY You hadn’t even taken the day off? You b—

MATT (gently placing his finger on her lips) Come now, dear. You go and have a great time. And when you get back in a couple of days you can start living in the house of the future. With me.

JENNY (biting her lip) And Sarah.

MATT And Sarah.

SARAH Thank you.